Phantoms Fables

HOW MUCH

2010-11-09T19:03:00.000-08:00

A few of us went karting out at fully sick Eastern Creek the other week.

After sweating our ass's off for about 2 hours...im more of a lower back, feet & forehead sweater, just for the record.

We then went to the Cricketers Arms for a beer afterwards, it was a lovely little pub reminded me of the sort of pub from the motherland / Oxfordshire...anyway i go to order 2 pints and a schnitzel and i am in return asked for forty three Australian Dollars. I hand over the cash, as I ask how much the pints are ($8.00 she replies) as she is sorting out my change I am doing some very basic mental arithmetic, $8.00 x 2 + $22.50 = . . . . about 20 seconds later I blurt out...

"ERRR excuse me 8 x 2 is 16 + 22.50 is 38.50....how did you get to 43.00??"
"gravy is $4.50"
"WHAT!! it better be liquid gold"....(walk away from the bar feeling cheated, but secretly hoping this is going to be some amazing gravy, that i will have to buy a barrel of before i leave)

The plates are put on the table and I scoop up some gravy all by itself, to taste this extortionately priced meaty juice...and its pretty boring to be honest. As im grumbling away into my plate. Davy next to me is tucking in to the same dish, gravy & all... to which he whispers.

i didn't even ask for gravy....!!

BASTARDO.

thoughts to paper

2010-11-09T18:22:00.000-08:00

whad'up.

think its time i put some of the extremely useful thoughts that are going on in my head to paper:

Comedy sketch:
A family are sat around a dinner table with a mountain of bills on the table, looking stressed and debt-ridden (would need some good actors to pull off looking "debit ridden")
There's a knock at the door...the peer through the window to see who is there.
OH NO ITS THE BAYLEAVES!! - in stroll some hard looking Bayleaves.

Australians queing for the bar:
For some reason old Australians...and some ill taught younger ones, que up in a straight line away from the bar (not along it) then it is seen as horrendous manners if you go up to the bar. Wrong wrong wrong, line up along the bar and just have the eticate to direct the bar staff to the person who has been waiting the longest.

Powerade Pee

2009-05-11T21:51:00.000-07:00

So this actually happened to a friend of mine...no it was not me.

A couple of friends are driving through this town, with one following the other, as the lead driver was more familiar with his way around.
They have been at the pub and had 2 schooners and halfway through the drive, the following driver is busting for a wee.
Does he:
A. Flash the driver in front to pull over
B. Finish his powerade and start to wee into the empty bottle.

You guessed it he starts filling up the powerade bottle, and its filling up & filling up....until it flowing into his lap when he starts to panic, BANG he drives into the back of the mate he was following as he wasn't paying attention.
The bottle comes out of his hand and covers him in his own urine!

As the lead driver gets out the car and walks back to the drivers window, the following driver is waving him back shouting don't come back here (as he is still weeing into the foot well). But his calls go unread and the lead driver gets to the window to see his mate covered in piss & weeing all over the pedals. And simple says "what the f@ck".

True story.

tenth person to move in

2009-03-31T15:09:00.000-07:00

Sup fools.

Since Christmas iv settled into the new place and had 10 different people live with me, now is this because im a meticulous clean freak who has to wipe down work surfaces at the sight of some toast crumbs (completely different to bread crumbs, much more annoying & I have a feeling bugs prefer toast crumbs so they have to be cleaned up immediately) or is it cause everyone is traveling?

Ben moved to Perth with work, Lee & Tom were staying for 3 weeks and went over to Perth subsequently Tom's now in Melbourne and Lee who spent his time in Australia on Facetube & constantly calling England, surprised none of us by going back to the UK.

David moved in when these 3 left and is proving to the longest serving person in the new flat, maybe we should call him "red" from Shawshank as everyone else has done a "Defrain" and ran for the hills. His boat may have broken down 5 weeks ago now, but we had 2 trips on it and that is why he got the room in the first place! Has turned out to be a top fella as well which is awesome.

Jess then moved in (Ben's soon to be girlfriend and my surrogate little sister) so she stayed for about 2 months and has followed suit and headed West. The machine gun laugh has gone now, which is a shame. Also missing having a good old whinge with her, it was always good to come home and blow off some steam about work and have her there to listen to my ramblings, she turned out to be the Jack Lemon to my Walter Mathieu (i have grumpy old men set on the Foxtel for Sunday) on top of being my "little sis" you couldn't ask for a better housemate.

Minna, Malin, Matilda & Ebba came back down from the East Coast after Hurricane Hamish put an end to their Whitsundays trip, so they all stayed with me, Jess & David for a week. Cooking us Swedish meatballs and mash one night as a thank you which the next day gave me burps that would make stig of the dump smell like rose petals fermented in channel number 5. I did come back from football on the Sunday to find 5 Swedish girls waiting in my bedroom for me "which is always nice" I was meant to be bringing along George (Nina's boyfriend) as he didn't know they were back early, but he twisted his ankle in the game so had gone home.

During the week they stayed I was working yet another 70 hour week, with the printer constantly playing up and deadlines getting closer and closer (all this for no time in lieu or overtime, DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON THAT ONE).

So during this sh!t time at work and then coming home to a busy house with 6 other people who were always up for a laugh, stopped me from sprouting my first grey hairs I would say.

Now Alexandra has moved in, the first thing she said was....did Jess used to live here. As it turns out she works in the Shark Bar where Jess had worked and we know quite a few of the same people, which makes things a bit easier I think. So after ringing her boss and finding out what she is really like. She moved in yesterday.

So in all everyone I have lived with has been a breeze to live with, and you get some people saying it’s hard to find good flatmates.......WAIT A MINUTE...iv had 10 different people live with me, I’m clearly the person who's hard to live with.
Yeah right, I’m clearly the best housemate in the world and its just a case of everyone wants to live with me.

Gott Nytt År!

2009-01-05T19:57:00.000-08:00

Happy new year! hope you all had a excellent festive time off. I fully endulged and it felt like the first proper holiday i have had for about 3 years! no work, no stress, no worries.

This year was the first one without any family, last year they all came over here to me. But this year was a proper Australia Christmas, met on the beach at 10am for a Christmas Day surf arranged by Matt Damon himself (well the S.A one) Rodney! where about 20 of us got in the water and made a mess for a while, ditching our beers as we headed in, this would explain the life saving boat that kept its beedy eyes on us.

Christmas Day Surf.

Then down to the park for a BBQ & a bit of backyard cricket, now i am the biggest Christmas grump you could meet but after feeding myself a nice rare steak and a few beers i lightened up a bit, only to switch back to serious mode tout suite as a highly competative game of cricket got under way, which of course we won. Jayne Wells turning out to be an inspired choice for opening bowler taking 4 wickets in a row. We knocked of the 20 runs needed to win with consumate ease.

As if on request the sun came out and we headed for the beach for more drinking, swimming & frollicking. I wish i could say i missed the family but im sorry i didn't. Waking up on Boxing day aching from all the running around i had done was a new feeling too, normally is a port hangover and in desperate need of some prune juice to get the yorkshires to work their way out. I did get passed around my aunties house on Christmas Day as my Dad still had some credit no his Australian sim card (yes that is the only time they will call, when they have free credit).

NYE was AWESOME too, instead of heading to circular quay and fighting for a good spot to see the fireworks we decided to head to North Head, the entrance to the harbour (about 10k's away) where we had a view of the whole city and could see all the fireworks while enjoying our eski's full of booze, eventually staying up there til 3am before walking home as the sun was coming up. B E A U tiful.

I like to think they are deathstars exploding in the background.

Here's another couple of pics as i can't be bothered to write anymore, Mumsy & D-fens are coming over in 3 weeks so that'll be good. And who knows when i'll be back for a visit.

View of the northern beaches.

View from the spare bedroom.

Some stormtroopers playing pool in a pub in Brisbane.

2009 the year of Lee!

oh me oh my

2008-12-17T14:55:00.000-08:00

I heard a story the other day about someone who brought a dress because he boyfriend was going to propose to her, the woman in the shop let the customer know that someone had brought the dress earlier the previous day but had returned it later on, with the labels intact also wishing the lady well and to...."let me know how you get on".

Two weeks later the woman comes back into the shop to return the dress, saying she had been proposed to but then the 3 days afterwards she had spent in hospital after receiving 3rd degree burns from the straps on the dress.

The shop owner got in contact with the person who had brought the dress in the first place...and she had to own up! She had brought the dress for her sisters funeral and did not have enough money to buy the dress, so she put her in it for the open casket then returned the dress!!
The formaldehyde that was on the body had rubbed off on the dress then reacted when the next owner wore the dress, burning her. EWWWWWWWWWWW!

I went kayaking to Cockatoo Island at the weekend (iv heard you like a cock or two, as Rodney has said on several occasions) it was really good fun with 2 out of the 3 of us capsizing and the 3rd slipping on his arse as soon as we got to the island, looking like he'd projectile-pooed his pants, this was one of the first things in which the 10 year old BULLIES tormented us for while we were putting up the tents, next on their list was calling us George, Sam & Tim...and the final straw was when they threw burger rings into our tent. We were effectively being bullied by 10 year olds and after, the age old adage of ignoring them and they will go away had no result we had to resort to "leave us alone or we will tell your parents what little fuckers your being!" JOB DONE.

We were invited to join a group of 15 women/girls from Camden who were on their works Christmas Party (from a swim school) they were a barrel of laughs and fed us up with their picnic snack and homemade quiche's! It was an experience to speak to possibly the dumbest blonde i have ever met, who when talking about black people said it with a bit of distain....so i had to say, that’s a bit racist. To which i heard one of the best comebacks i have ever heard (without a minuscule of sarcasm or irony)

Im not racist, Barrack Obama is hot!

JESUS H CHRIST!

Many other pearls of wisdom were spouted by this air brained entity, which left my jaw firmly rooted to the floor. She is in desperate need of some education.

$30 extra for my Casio illuminator/calculator watch in bright yellow rather than black, now that’s money well spent....isn't it?

Time's are a changing

2008-12-07T14:25:00.000-08:00

So as you can see from the last post, i got drunk at a work do and brought something from the silent auction again, last year it was the signed Aryton Senna picture. And this year after categorically saying i was not going to bid on anything....after a few glasses of vino, the Arthur Daley / Del Boy Trotter came out of me thinking "what a great investment". I have been told by the people who made it that it is worth twice what i paid for it, just need to find a fan who really wants to buy it.

During the last few weeks iv moved house, we've moved 1 suburb out of Manly now, so its a bit cheaper to live and I shouldn't be going out as much as it's not as easy to "pop out for 1 beer (who ever has 1 beer)"
Also have been interviewing for a new house mate for the spare room, and my current housemate Ben leaves to go and live in Perth in mid Jan, so will need to find someone for his room too. All very exciting as will be meeting & living with new people and making new friends...but if they turn out to be the sort of person who leaves tea bags in the sink & comes home drunk and goes for a wee in the corner on my Don Bradman cricket bat then that wouldn't be so great.

D-fens (aka Mr Wainwright Snr to you!) was over for the last 2 weeks, hopefully he had a good time de-stressing from work and catching up with "#1 son" (aint that right Russ) we went and visiting Lindfield where he lived when he was 4-6yrs old....good job the grandparents couldn't settle here otherwise i wouldn't even be here.
A couple of mates have landed in Melbourne over the weekend and are coming up for a few days on Wed, and Dunny should be here in early new year so looking forward to that. Also counting down the days til we get a nice break from work! 3 weeks off is just what i need.

So after the last 4-5months being pretty lousy, things (i hope) are on the up!

Signed Bradman Bat - Endorsed by the Bradman Foundation

2008-12-01T16:13:00.000-08:00

Interested in buying a full size cricket bat with Sir Donald Bradman's signature? This is available in Sydney. Offers of around $3750 will be considered.

Number 1 out of 100 (limited edition)

Endorsed by the Bradman Foundation

Comes with certificate of authenticity

Please get in contact with Lee@oamm.com.au for further information.

True Story

2008-11-10T19:41:00.000-08:00

So I heard this tale about a person house sitting a friends dog the other day and it made me laugh...

A couple go away to Dubai for a holiday and leave their quite old German Shepard dog at home and ask their friend if she can go round once a day and look after it for the week.

So on the 3rd day she goes round and finds the dog laying DEAD on the kitchen floor.

She rings the local vet, who says if she can get it to the surgery....he can put it in the morgue freezers until the owners are back and they can decide if they want to bury it or cremate it.

As it is only 2 tube stops away, and with no car. She bundles the pooch into a suitcase and makes her way to the tube station, as she is struggling up the stairs at the stop she needs, a helpful young man asks if she needs a hand with the case...she says thanks and as they are nearing the top of the climb, he asks what she has in the case.

Not wanting to look like a lady with a dog killing fetish...she thinks on her feet and says "oh its DJ-ing equipment for a party im going to". Awkward conversation averted. As they get the case to the top of the stairs, the young man BOLTS OFF with the case, thinking he has just stolen himself some DJ equipment.

..

..

..

Morale of the story, never help ladies with their luggage (even if they are your girlfriend or relative) Thank you Sandy for this awesome story.

Are things on the up

2008-11-05T09:45:00.001-08:00

So i was applying for a visa with my company, Webster Signs...when they were absorbed by the sales part of the company OAMM, after the South African investors brought the rest of the business (that is the simple way of explaining it). And my application was rejected because the financial information supplied did look good...basically the part of the company i worked for paid all the bills and the wages and the other two parts made the profit. Anyway the visa officer thought he smelt something fishy and rejected me.
So i had about 2 weeks to do all the paperwork again and reapply under the new company name, submitting the figures for OAMM which show sound financial status and low and behold. My visa was submitted last Thursday (the day my visa ran out) and was granted the following Tuesday. HOORAHHH!

Now the lawyer who was dealing with it, and charged the company again to resupply the application ($6 grand a time, when it costs $1200 to actually lodge it) is beating his chest about the record turnaround (other friends say it should take a week, so this shows he is not used to such successful turnarounds)...He is asking me to fill out a feedback questionnaire so he can put it in the feedback folder in his reception and it will look good. Funnily enough i did not get asked to fill one of these out when my application was rejected! At least i have it now and im safe for 4 more years.

Also our lease is up at the end of the month and finally going to move somewhere cheaper. Yes our place is nice but they are trying to raise the rent again, they did not actually change the direct debit last time, so they think they are only raising it $30 per week, but it would actually be nearer $60, so f*ck that. Have seen places with an extra bedroom for 30% cheaper. Thats what im talking about.

I have been working averagely 12 hour days for the last month now, getting loads of stuff done for the Rugby League World Cup (which about 200 people know is going on i think) whenever i think im nearly done something else always comes up. I did have Mon & Tues off this week, but i have then come back in 8am Wed to a broken printer which was fixed by lunchtime and it is now 6am Thursday and hopefully i will be done by about 8am, nice 24 hour shift to come back to. I do not mind doing it cause work have been great with my visa...and basically it needs doing!

So i can now book a holiday back to England as i know i can get back in the country. Loads of other stuff been happening, went on our footy end of season trip. We went up the coast to Port Stephens, and got on the beer at 9am Fri morning and stopped sometime on Sunday with literally 6 hours stopped inbetween (3 hours per night) really good laugh and taking the p!ss out of each other. Had a couple of friends 30th's in the last few weeks too...so lots of BBQ's & nights out & Phil had a surprise boat party....which i turned into the drunkest man on the planet at:
Fell over on a balcony, don't remember meeting people, wasn't allowed in the pub (and completely agreed with the doormen), was home in bed by 10pm and woke up fresh as a daisy at 9am. Oh yes i did have Mon & Tues off...but i did have to drive for 4 hours on Sunday taking some stuff to Newcastle which had been lost.

Things have got to be on the up....

Get a job, life, manners & some class

2008-09-07T21:27:00.000-07:00

Whilst out in the ever pretentious Shore Club last night...let me first set the scene.
When I first arrived in Australia (Manly) Shore Club had just opened and I frequented it 3 or 4 times a week as the bar staff were genuinely nice and it was all new so there was no "you aint from round here looks", since then it has listened to its own hype of being Manly's number one bar also Australia's top new bar....and has become THE place to be seen by every local plonker in a pair of skinny jeans / sqwarky voiced just turned 18 year old GIRL looking for a night of free drinks off skinny jean wearing numpty's or the older tight white shirt wearing beefed up yuppie.

So after a few drinks down the road in Freshwater we end up going to said - Shore Club. And there we find them on the top floor (open air smoking room) in one of the cabaña's. A group of skins wannabe's with unwashed hair....mine is unwashed a lot of the time but I do not have shoulder length hair! headband wearing, being overly loud (as they actually have nothing to say apart from, "sick" "hey" "fully sick" & "hey bruu") plebs.

Now I hold a distaste for this group of society for no reason other than I do not understand them...man fears what he does not understand yes, but soon enough all my irrational hatred was vilified. Number one dickhead (20 year old who thinks he is Mick Jagger incarnate) stand's up looks in the mirror on the wall behind the horse-shoed seating area and starts to set fire to his f*cking hair as he is egged on by Ronnie Wood & Keith Richards - well that's who they think they are - when in fact they are just finishing college era - mummy & daddy's boys. Who go out on pingers (E's) on Friday, Saturday & Sunday night and think they are some sort of Big Brother Z-list celebrity, now im not Mary Whitehouse when it comes to drugs but Australia's fascination with ecstasy is a strange one, from 13-53 they are all* on them 7 days a week...the majority DO live by the law of "Jeremy" (Peep Show) "If It Feels Good, Do It".

Not only did his two cohorts find this hilarious as did others in the bar, i found it completely stupid. Jackass it was not. Looking back now I wish I had had the balls/speed of thought, to get a fire extinguisher and empty it's contents all over the little knob. Maybe im getting old, maybe I don't suffer fools gladly (unless I know them), maybe it was the subsequent smell of burnt hair that wafted across the bar that annoyed me. I was infuriated & just thought about how proud his parents must be of him.

Iv woken up in places that I could not remember how I had gotten there & filled up many a friends bath/sink/toilet with the contents of my stomach, but not in the manner of a recently evicted big brother contestant who has to let the entire room know what they are doing or about to do. Give me a cup of tea, slice of cake & a comfortable chair any day.

The end of football

2008-09-04T15:48:00.000-07:00

The very first day I arrived in Oz I saw the football team I would be playing for, playing their last game of the season and it was to be 6 long months til I was to grace the hallowed fields of the northern beaches making my debut for the mighty manly vale fc. After 20 odd games and finishing third in the league we went into "Finals".

In Australia most sports finish the season then have the top 4 or top 8 go into a finals system 1st playing 4th and 2nd playing 3rd in this case. So we went into our semi final last Saturday confident of making the Grand Final (or GF to those in the know) playing against a team full of "Poms" it was like being back home. We clawed back from 1-zip down at halftime to be level 1-1 after about an hour. We gave their goal an onslaught that could have been compared with the battering at helms deep, chance after chance went begging. It was down to penalties.
After the penalty competition we'd had at training on the Tuesday before hand, where Ben, Phil & Myself had been the most consistent penalty takers you would have thought we would have started off....well our gaffer & captain, best mates Pete & Gav decided they'd get things going and both missed. One was as worse a penalty as David Batty's in France 98 & the other clipped the outside of the post. I had gone to get the match ball from behind the far goal and when I returned the order had been sorted to my annoyance.

After the game everyone was cheering what a great season we'd had and I was sat in the corner having my beer, muttering why, why, why to myself. As you can tell its still a bit roar, we'd planned for the instance of penalty's and our plans were not put into place ARRRRGGGHHH.

This was nothing that couldn't be fixed by us going out and getting mashed that very same night, and yes we did! On the Sunday however it is apparently tradition for a sporting team to go out on a "mad Monday" where you go out on the Sunday after your season is over and continue into the wee hours of Monday. I turned up a couple of hours late after going for lunch in the city with Lia. To be met by half the team at the pub, drinking COKE'S!! some had been and gone, others left 1 hour after I got there. This was a rubbish effort (no matter how much id of rather been laying on the couch). Five of us soldiered on until we were met by Phil & Chris who had been working and we drank to a promising season in which we fell at the final hurdle.

Now the long wait of 6 months til next season, the best thing about the weekend however was the JetCat trips to and from the city on Sunday morning. On the way there we managed to get the JetCat just as the hooter was going. The gate actually didn't let me through but my card had gone in and Lia was through so I hopped it with a knowing nod from the Wharf personnel. On the way back we the exact same, we got to the gate as they were saying last call. 10 seconds from disaster each time but just on the right side, am I the only one to get such exhilaration from this?

Not sure if they will have them in every Aldi across the globe but next time your in one (if you ever do go in them) look out for choco pillows, no its not a cliché for a poo ridden nappy, its the best cereal in the world! like a desert in a bowl for breakfast mmmmmmm & the bag is dual sealed! so you get two bowls out of the top....then you rip off the plastic bag and you have another bag attached to the bottom with enough for another 2 portions (3 portions if your not a pig like me).

what to do

2008-08-18T14:31:00.000-07:00

I now have my paperwork lodged for my 457 visa (4 more years) i don't want to jinx myself and say "i have my visa" as im sure something else will go wrong with it. The solicitor-lawyer-prat that was dealing with it was really annoying!
I was warned about him by the other lads at work that had visa's done with them, but thought as long as i was organised it'd be ok, i think he just waits til the last minute so that it looks like he's pulled off a miracle when he finally lodges it. They kept asking for forms we'd already supplied, lost my medical forms, asked me to fill out the wrong forms etc etc.
Just want to pay the last 2 bills and be done with it now!

Its blooming freezing in Sydney at the moment, well has been for about 2 months and hopefully one more month to go til it starts to get hot again, this wasn't part of the deal when i signed away my soul to move here. Looking forward to summer, so can get back to swimming after work and surfing (when there aren't sharks in the water like last weekend).

Poker is really taking over recently, we were getting a bit sick of staging it at our place every week. Then we were given a 10 seater poker table + i managed to win a couple of games for the first time in a while and we were playing twice a week for a couple of weeks.

In the last month we brought a new printer at work (not a desktop printer) a 4m wide digital printer to print all the sports boards & pages on. So my job has changed from sending off a pdf and 3 days later the prints coming back....im now here all day setting up the artwork and making the sh!t, the days absolutely fly by now which is good and its another string to my bow. i went out to the first game of the A-league season on Sat night with some of the people from work to our suite...love going there for the free food & booze, i certainly don't go for the standard of football being played.

Speaking of footy, we have our last game of the season on Saturday. Then its finals time! (semi final then final the week after) would be great to get to the final we'll see what happens. the folks have booked up their second trip over to come see their number 1 son & feed & water him for a couple of weeks. Will be booking up my holiday back in England for March next year so i'll be back for my birthday.

Well this blog has been full of....nothing really but thought id get some stuff down.

Darwin

2008-06-30T21:48:00.000-07:00

Went to Darwin last week, its like Witney!....the capital of the northern territory (where you could fit about 3 united kingdoms) the capital of this state is like Witney! haha.

Went and visited Fannie Bay when i was there, was very nice but not what i was expecting.

Got back last Friday night, played footy on Saturday and won for the first time in 3 games! Then went to Steph's birthday at their flat, she lives with my good friend Rodders. Lovely buffet supplied and a champagne punch which knocked me for 6 after id had 2 cups.
There was a 7 year old boy there (im guessing 7), his mother was a "earth mum" with the biggest breasts i have seen (in the flesh), her partner was wearing some trousers that are identical to my pyjamas (cream with thin brown strips)...i would say my Pyjamas looked better than his trousers. He also had a wallet velcro'ed around his wrist (like the sort of thing you had when you were 11 on holiday).
Well they had to leave abruptly as the little snot, once he'd finished jumping on Rodney's router and throwing stuff around the front room, NEEDED FEEDING!!

Yes that's right Mrs "we live in a commune" Big Boobs needed to take the brat off for his milk, he was also never told off. He was parented on the points system! 5 points if you stay out of the bedroom, 5 points if you can control your urge to pull mummy's boobs out, 50 points says that he'll grow up to be a very weird human being! (probably with very strong bones but what they hey).

Still have not got my visa going through yet, but the boss said it would be sorted today then i'll be straight on a bridging visa (phew!). If not then i'll see all you guys back in the UK around August. If not i'll be back in the new year as the Mrs can't get holiday til then and need to save up to come back to Blighty (what is it 5quid a pint now & 3pound a litre of petrol?).

Fiji - Food & Drink

2008-06-01T19:55:00.000-07:00

G'day, Bonjour, watch'ya (apparently i am the only person to use watch'ya in text's).

I don't think i have mentioned on here, but i am playing for the Mighty Manly Vale FC over in Australia now and we are currently sitting 2nd i believe: won 5 lost 1 drawn 1. So Saturdays are something to look forward to again, also this cuts down the amount of time that could be spent drinking to my bodies relief.

Recently iv seem to be eating a LOT! a side order of buffalo wings with my steak, a pancake to finish of breakfast, some scones to have after my lunch. THREE plates of food simultaneously at the breakfast buffet. This will have to stop....and no i have not ballooned, still the same 88KG i normally am, but it can not be good.

Last Sunday we had our works conference, we went to Fiji's main island Nadi. we stayed until the Thursday morning. The days consisted of meetings from 9am til 1pm everyday then we would have lunch and arrange tennis or a golf game for the afternoon...yes HARD LIFE! i hear you all cry, and when i returned i would talked down what a good time i had out there as people would then say "did you get much done" with a sh!t eating grin on their face.

YES ACTUALLY WE GOT LOTS DONE! I do apologise that i was taken to Fiji, but it was very productive & enjoyable.

I did take my board but did not get chance to surf unfortunately, me & Phil had settled on a 5am wake up and get a surf in before the next days meetings. However when i rang to book the wakeup call and thought id check what the actual time was i was told it was 4.20am so i rebooked the wakeup call for 8am.

I may be heading to ribs and rumps tonight to spend the $100 gift voucher i received from them. This was due to what i described in my complaint as the "surly" waitress. Who seemed completely offended we were in her section. Asking for the starters to come out with the mains was a alien concept for her, let alone asking for another bottle of table water, to which she replied "fine!" almost with a tut on the end. All i can say is the management know how to deal with a problem there.

There are quite a few pics on my facebook, i especially like the one of the breakfast menu at Nadi airport:

"Bacon & Chiz omelets & Scrumbled eggs with parcley"

Nippy Nippy

2008-04-23T17:00:00.000-07:00

So i went to the Asian bakery & brought a vanilla milkshake....it was made by "nipppys" funny that.

Also was at football training and a few of my team-mates were saying "Lee" "Lee" "Lee" "Lee", to which Morgan said, "jesus, its like a Chinese phone book"

More casual racism to come.

Are you going round the twist?

2008-04-01T17:42:00.000-07:00

About time i said something on here i think, iv been really busy setting up the start of the NRL (rugby league) season. So for the last 3 weeks its been pretty hectic.
Calming down a bit now, so i can enjoy the awesome weather.
My cousin Aaron lands next Thursday for a week so that'll be good, and Mr Dunn arrives in 31 days...not that im counting MUCH!

Iv been with Lia for 6 months now (is that the sound of a thousand broken hearts?) and she's moving in, if im not at her place then she's at mine so it makes sense. The fact it brings the rent down by a 3rd has nothing to do with it officer...may take a little getting used to but looking forward to it very much so.

The football season starts for our team on Saturday! its been 6 months in waiting and finally its here, something to keep me out of the pub on Saturdays YESSSS!

I went to Melbourne the other week, and see what people mean when they say "oooh you'll like Melbourne" why did literally everyone i spoke to about it say that...now when people say there going there i say "i went there a few weeks ago, you'll like it in Melbourne". I think they have some mind control device down there?
Its a bit more European, seems like older buildings and smaller streets, with lots of coffee shops and wicked shops. Chapel St is similar to Cowley Rd, it did seem to be, Second hand clothes shop, Comic book shop, Cafe, womens clothes shop. This theme continued all the way done the street.

Settling well over here now, i had a chest scan for my visa last week. Hopefully that comes back showing that i don't have TB and i have all more organs (yes even a heart you sceptic bunch) then fingers crossed i will have a 457 visa allowing me to stay for 4 MORE YEARS, 4 MORE YEARS. Sorry i thought i was at a election party.

Looking at booking a holiday back to Blighty around Sept. I'll be in touch.

Final thought: why do all employees of optician's wear glasses?

Shmucks!! Bloody Scmucks!

2008-01-31T15:16:00.001-08:00

Tea Bag Trays. Why do people have a porcelain tray in there kitchen to put used tea bags on? Walk over to the bin you lazy idiot, why would you even buy one or these…or if you were given one as a present surely you would say. “thanks iv been waiting for a piece of junk like this to show of my used tea bags in the kitchen for years”. This is almost as bad as the RETARDS who put tea bags in the sink, who does that?? I mean really.

Leaving the insides of toilet rolls in the toilet? They will need to go in the bin eventually and if you are the person who has put a new toilet roll in the loo, then why not take the bit of cardboard out of the toilet to the BIN!

** Unless you have children and are currently building Tracey Island as per Blue Peter instructions**

Returning videos (dvd’s for you kids). Please tell me it is only people in Australia with this problem about taking dvd’s back the next day? The amount of people who have told me “oh I don’t use them anymore, I ran up too many fines”
If you went to the dvd place the day before to pick up the dvd how hard is it to go there the next day and take it back, nobody seems to feel quite as passionately about this as me. ITS ASTOUNDING!

Finally I went to McDonalds, why do they call it Macca’s over here? Its not MACdonalds its Mcdonalds. And a spotty young snot squeals “sorry everyone we are out of buns, we only have Big Mac’s & Nuggets”.
1. Surely you would be out of burgers and buns, why would you not order enough buns for the burgers.
2. Im pretty sure a Big Mac comes in a bun
3. Im hungover, I don’t need this
4. With my McDonalds VIP card I want my free desert with each meal im about to order. She actually said “the till won’t let me do it” (Australian for computer says no).
5. As I left she told me. “did you know that in Brisbane, they do not use any mustard on their burgers” I would have been annoyed about this. But im a sucker for useless information like that.
6. As I walked away I realized, she could of rang the meals through separately…mean I could of got deserts with each meal. THE BITCH (but she had told me about the burgers in Brisbane so it wasn’t all bad)

My Movie (best cast ever)

2008-01-24T14:40:00.000-08:00

I have the cast finalized for my movie, now i just need to start the script.
The cast is as follows:

Sylvester Stallone
Steven Segal
Jean Claude Van Damme
Patrick Swayze
Luis Guzman
Brian Dennehey
Christopher Lambert
kris kristofferson
Woody Harrelson
John C. Reilly
Will Ferrell

Im thinking they are a group of older men from say....a lawn bowls club, who in their spare time save a city from the "yoof of today". Combating such heinous crimes as.
* Gangs of hoodies loitering
* Happy Slapping
* Correcting their bad language (not swearing...things like "is it" & girls who say "shut up?" as a rhetorical question
* Sorting people OUT who wear white socks with trousers & shoes
* "Retiring" people who wear socks and sandals

This is still a work in progress but i bet you all can't wait to see this movie!

No need to say theses things but what the hey

2008-01-13T16:17:00.000-08:00

1. Time liars.... people who are more than 20 minutes away & when you ring them and say.
"i'll be 5 mins". You know your not going to be 5 minutes so don't lie!

2. Crap football commentators! there seems to be more & more useless imbeciles at the moment. Always harping on about "that magical night in Barcelona" or "that amazing night in Istanbul". Yesterday i heard "that was in-between a yellow & red card wasn't it, like a orange card"....A ORANGE CARD? You prat! Give us some opinion or insight, not ridiculous comments or dumbing the game down to who's passing to whom.

3. Sayers's... No not the family of Leo Sayer, people who are "going to do - affix subject here -" people who incessantly say they are going to change something, travel somewhere, do something with someone even buy "that dvd"...if you have no intention of "going to do IT" please don't say you are.

4. Celebrity Magazine's... ban them, the amount of money made from these things is sickening. Stop buying them i.e. Fat porcupine haired cutted Australians & scum of the earth photographers don't make any money! They are full of steaming rat sh!t.

5. Mosquito's that bite my ankles, why are my ankles so delicious to these insects?

6. Parents who's children run riot, give them a smacked botty...yeah go on "give them something to cry about". No need to go Hubert Kilcoyne on their ass (old headmaster, who's catchphrase of - Stand Still While Im Shaking You Boy - ) only became funny when we'd left St Joesph's.

7. Speedo's!...Only for swimming competitivley PLEASE. Also what is the age you stop wearing Speedo's then start again? Im saying...stop at 11 start again at 57, i think thats acceptable??

I don't have much to complain about, but im trying OK!!!

Ham, Chicken, Ham, Chicken, Ham, Chicken, Ham, Chicken,

2007-12-26T05:42:00.000-08:00

Time for a bit of a catch up i think. Mainly iv been drunk and full the last couple of weeks as you could imagine.

Firstly the parents got here on the 9th of Dec & Russ (the mute brother) arrived on the 20th. They've kept themselves busy watching our Foxtel (sky+) &....ummm you'll have to ask them what else they've been doing. As i said iv been drunk quite a bit.

I finished work on the 14th of Dec, as it ws our works do! THE BEST XMAS DO EVER.

Champagne brekkie at work.

In the Wharf Bar @ 11am.

Water Taxi to Darling harbour for food & drink.

Loss of memory around 11pm.

I go back to work on the 7th of Jan, but am going to work on Friday just to split it up a bit...also this gives me a day in lieu when i go back. This is probably the time when i miss friends back home the most as i know i would of been spending a lot of time with them. Sob Sob where's my violin!

I was in bed on Sunday after the Wainwright Clan were treated to dinner at Lia's in Surrey Hills, 10 drinks later i get woken up by Lia shouting.

"The Chemist's a monkey, the chemist is a monkey.....She's really hairy....get her out get her out!!" as she is pushing me into the wall!?!? didn't have a clue, so i just went back to sleep.

Have been down the beach all day today with Russ, think he said 3 sentences! now he has a bit of sun-stroke (is feeling chilly) turns out he talks more when he's sun-stricken (is that a word).

Well this is a rubbish blog as i am not drunk at the minute, if im eating i never seem to get drunk, & i have been doing A LOT of eating.

MMmmmm nice

2007-11-25T21:24:00.000-08:00

Brought a carrot cake yesterday, then when getting it through the front doors of our building, whilst struggling with surfboard & bag...which of the 3 did i drop?

NOOOOOOOOOOO! as i scooped it up (you could probably hear me in England, if you were awake)

I managed to scoop the icing back on and it wasn't as terrible as i first thought. David Beckham is in Sydney and the whole place is going mental. I was on a pontoon in the middle of Sydney Harbor setting up some adidas signs this morning...very weird!

Finally putting a pair of pants on straight out of the tumble dryer is possibly one of the best things ever.

Steak & Cheese

2007-11-18T21:39:00.000-08:00

I had heard Rob Lewis & PC talking about Wagyu steak's but had never done anything about it, Ben also had eaten one right in front of me...the swine! i had already ordered fish & chips and not seen it on the menu.
Well all this changed yesterday when i had one of these lovely steaks, with a knob of garlic butter on top and fries that were even better than Burger King's "king fries"....i am not the biggest fan of chips but these were 10 out of 10. I could not speak during this plate of unembroiled excellence nor for the few minutes afterwards.

I was out with Lia watching her friends band "Three Quarters Hazel" they were really good, but unfortunately they were out-done by the meal i had eaten just before they took the stage....and i hate to say it but they were also out-done by the desert i was about to have.

"Max Brenner Chocolate Bar" no this isn't a bar of chocolate, its an actual Bar/Cafe devoted to chocolate. Two pieces of this chocolate (20x20cm) cost $9.50, there are vat's of melted chocolate in the corner with pump's coming out of them...it is literally like Charlie & the Chocolate Factory. As soon as i saw cheesecake on the menu, then menu was closed.

When the first forkful hit my mouth, i thought id died and gone to umpa lumpa heaven. The picture below does not do it justice (think i was shaking from sheer pleasure): Served with HOT chocolate sauce and strawberry's this thing was Devinne! I have quite a sweet tooth and i had would not be able to eat a whole one of these in one sitting, it was just too decedent.

Apparently the specialized chocolate cafe/bar is not a new thing here. But it was new to me & i will definitely be visiting again.

Yoof of Today

2007-11-04T14:24:00.000-08:00

So im on the ferry back to Manly on Sunday. Getting the ferry between 10am - 1pm is tourist torture! (maybe i can't talk as im technically on a tourist visa, but i live in Manly so that negates it) surrounded by babies...this maybe nice for the older generation who like to try and rip babies cheeks off and say awwww as they hover over prams like an older version of Angelica Houston in "The Witches" Jesus thats a scary film! No im not joking i DO NOT like that film.

Back to the point

So im taking Lia over to mine for a bit of R&R as she'd passed out at work the day before and had spent the arvo (that’s what they call the afternoon over here) in hospital...another long story.
We are sat by the door to the bit where you can go out on the side of the ship, you'd never guess i have 3 members of my family in the Navy with a description like that would ya. These "fluro kids"...you know the sort, florescent vest, probably wears skinny jeans & has sunglasses on that you used to get free from McDonalds...there talking about the little island forte (looks like a prison) as we passed it, we were lucky enough to overhear this gem of a conversation:

Fluro 1: Is that the prison where they used to hang people?
Fluro 2: -with real conviction- No that’s the one in America...Azkaban!
Fluro 1: Oh ok

Pause

Me: Excuse me...firstly i think you confusing Azkaban with Alcatraz & secondly your confusing Harry Potter with real life! now beat it you pesky scoundrels before you give me something else to get annoyed about.

Ok maybe i just said this to Lia and we both pee'd out pants, so much so the rest of the people on the ferry thought we were sinking in a yellow tidal wave (again im exacerbating) but seriously this did happen & it makes me want to squash these fools into mulch as a lesson to the rest of the Yoof of Today.

catch up

2007-10-31T19:49:00.000-07:00

Had a bit of a busy weekend, Dave and myself had been given a 7 song set at our local "Shore Club" in Manly on Sat night and we rocked the place for a 25min set! The Wednesday & Thursday before hand we had whittled down around 30 great songs until we came up with our final list:

We built this city - Starship
Dancing on the ceiling - Lionel Ritchie
Live it up - Mental as Anything
Nine to five - Dolly Parton
I ran - Flock of Seagulls
Small town boy - Bronski Beat
Summer rain - Belinda Carlise

I think we all agree nobody would be able to stop themselves dancing to any of them songs!

The following morning after loosing an hour to daylight savings we had to meet at Manly Wharf to go over to the city to watch Sydney FC vs Central Coast Marriners, as Gavin had secured the suite for his birthday. 4 hours of free booze and food is now the way i have become accustomed to watching sporting events, its a hard life i know. The thai green curry had a lovely kick to it as we all sweated into our beers for the second half.
On the way back to Circular Quay to catch our ferry back to Manly, we got enticed into a juggling show....but not any juggling show.

This west country bumpkin (mean't in the kindest possibly way as that is basically my neck of the woods back home). Was juggling a chainsaw when we got there. Gordo, Ry, Ben & myself were asked to come and hold his pole. As you could imagine we were a bit hesitant, but when he explained we had to hold the 12ft metal pole that would be balancing his bmx, so he could stand on-top of it and juggle 3 objects. We threw ourselves into the show.
It was very impressive as he juggled a knife, fire torch & apple 15ft in the air! But he took his time getting to this point and by now we just needed more booze or we were in trouble of hitting "the wall".

We carried on into the night, and i think it may have been around 10pm when i decided i would shave all my hair and body hair off when i got in....this made so much sense at the time i could not believe nobody else had thought about it. So i went home and sheered myself.

First thoughts as i woke were; wee, water & oh well it'll grow back. Luckily i had the Monday off work, so i could go down the beach to try and get some colour on my white bonce & in the evening go to the Bavarian Beer Cafe for Ben's birthday.
Ben went in to reserve a table & his first guess that he had 25 friends turned out to be a slight miscalculation as we scrapped 15 to turn up in the end. The Bavarian = Good Beer, Poo Food. Especially when your food turns up cold & a cockroach of some description runs out of Rodneys salad...as if we need an excuse to dodge our salads, but we now had one. Suffice to say the tip was non-existent.

Talking of bad service i sent off a complaint form to Hungry Jacks about the 2 chicken burgers i brought in MOULDY green buns! the only apology i received was "sorry sir there in the wrong buns, i'll get you some fresh ones"....its not the type of bun. ITS THE GREEN SHIT ON THE BOTTOM OF THEM! so hopefully some type of apology will be forthcoming. Free burgers for a year hopefully.

Gotta go its 2.35pm and we're done so gunna hit the surf!

Best job in the world

2007-10-16T16:09:00.000-07:00

So yesterday i got paid $50 to eat 3 pieces of KFC chicken...no it wasn't a bet...it was for a market research company.
Gavin at work had sent a email round where we answered a few questions, then the next day i was asked to attend, luckily so was Lyndon who i sit next to and is a connoisseur or fast food like myself.
We turned up salivating at the thought of bucket full's of free chicken, and it was one of them "doctors waiting room" situation's. No one making eye contact with each other let alone chatting, apart from me and Lyndo's acting like a couple of kids waiting to go on the Nemesis! Whilst watching the group before us, i was noticing people nibbling away at their samples as if they were a judge on MasterChef 2007 with mutli accented Lloyd Grossman. NO your eating KFC now eat it like you do in their blue plastic sh!t heap "restaurants" and woof it down in 1 whilst stuffing as many fries in your gob as you can. Then force it down your gullet with a mouth full of drink!! (is this why i have heartburn/reflux problems maybe...)

Our turn arrived and we were given a 20 page questionnaire to complete as we ate, 3 fillets of chicken later and questionnaire completed we were done (and so had they been) as i collected my envelope with the cash in, i held it in the air and said "easiest fifty bucks iv ever made" (not including the time i was short of cash for a taxi down Oxford St...we don't talk about that).

One question for each fillet was: Would this product replace an existing product you eat at KFC.
ANSWER: Are you kidding, Zinger Tower Burger Everytime!

Turns out they don't have Zinger Tower Burgers in Oz, so after explaining to all who would listen around the table about the Zinger Tower i had converted a few people just with my description of it. So in the Any other comments section, we all added Bring the Zinger Tower to Oz! Finally as we pulled out of the business park, Lyndo's pointed out the KFC across the road...weeeellll 3 bits is never enough is it, so we pulled and ordered a burger each just to finish us off.
Currently looking for market research involving any of the following:
Weston's Cider
Powerade
Yoghurt
Boag's Premium Larger
Breakfast bars
Milkshake's

Adios,
The Colonel

2007-10-14T17:27:00.000-07:00

I haven't really mentioned my dislike for "skinny" jeans before. Maybe its that if i wore them i would look ridiculous i.e. they are ridiculous.
I will admit certain people can get away with it, if they are 5ft 8" or shorter and have GOOD hair (see Michael Barry for reference). Well on Friday i saw a young fellow running through Manly in Skinny Fit Jean SHORTS!! hanging down his arse and cutting off the circulation to his lower legs. I had the urge to say "what the F*ck DO you look like" but luckily for him i was bereft of alcohol in my system otherwise i would....stupid skinny jeans!

On another note, Dave & I have been given a 4 song set at Shore Club for next Saturday...we are in the process of drawing up a shortlist of floor fillers, the likes of lipps inc. (funkytown) are on the list but i can't give too much away.

Almost forgot to mention how great it was to be in Oz for when we beat them in the rugby last week, the next day there was no mention of the result at all....if they didn't mention it they were trying to make themselves believe it didn't happen haha. Shout of the night was when i heard some rather rude English person shouting "get your sh!t stars off our flag" probably the only time you can get away with that shout. This time next week we could be world champions.

After 2 months of not speaking (had emailed) to the folks or brother i thought id give them a call at 3.30am Sun morning as i was watching the Eng game that we'd recorded on the Foxtel...there was no answer from any of their phones. Then i got a frantic call back saying "whats the matter? are you ok?"
Is it me or does anyone else think this is weird??

Blah blah blah

2007-10-07T17:09:00.000-07:00

Along with taking my milk thistle (liver protecting pills) with a bottle of beer...i also ate a chocolate bar whilst on the toilet this week. Yet another thing that makes me think WHY!

If you ever get the chance to watch "Fallen" DONT'T! "Fallen II" was on after this...how they got some people to part with cash to produce a sequal to the original Fallen, i have no idea. e.g.

"you have to become the person you were born to be, your family is in danger...KILLER ANGELS, are on there way to your house right now" (not to mention the talking dog, when it gets told to look after the family.... "Gabriel protect")

Friday we had another Barbie at work, this time i was chef...and everything went without a hitch, then i remembered we had invited some people over for a barbie later that night! Using some of the left over stuff from the work BBQ (cheers everyone for chipping in haha) we had barbie number 2. Then before we went to the football on sat. I had managed to get the box for 12 of us to go...we went to a restaurant where YOU have to cook your own meat. BBQ number THREE!! im getting "meat sweats" just thinking about it.

Now Ben is back from China iv not been surfing as much as i was (4 times a week) i blame this completely on him, he said im not stopping you do it...but when i come home and see someone sat on the balcony having a few beers and relaxing it kind of stops me wanting to run down the beach. (im still at the stage where i think im Bruce Wayne putting on my Batsuit when i put on the wetsuit...big kid i know) So will try and get out there more this week.

Hope everything's good back home with everyone, and happy birthday to Russ for Sunday 7th x.

Parklifey weekend

2007-10-01T17:56:00.000-07:00

Just started back at work today after a long weekend, yesterday was a bank holiday or the Oz equivilant...We got Foxtel fitted on Sat so i can now keep up to date with the football.

I went to Parklife on Sunday (dance music festival in Sydney) It was a scorching day, really good setup and some cool acts highlight being http://www.myspace.com/thesounds really good live!! Knew it was going to be a good day when the Jim Beam i had at 11am went down lovely...I wore my 1980's Carterton Town football kit, with the shortest shorts you have ever seen!
There was a lot of people in pink vests trying to be a bit miami vice, also every half an hour you would see someone sprinting off followed by 3 security guards as they had jumped the wall. Everyone found this funny and would cheer the person on.
If you think about it, these people are the reason ticket prices have to be the cost they are. So i was secretly cheering on the security! "get them fair dodging scum".

We left just before the end so we could get back to Manly for the Rugby League Gran Final. Manly were playing The Storm (Melbourne / Sydney rivalry is massive) unfortunately Melbourne won, so Manly did not turn into the party town it could of. I managed to get into Shore Club (our local) still in the 1980s footy kit and proceeded to get my arse pinched by a few ladies, also worryingly a man as well hmmm.
I went onto the dancefloor and everyone visably took a step back as to say "what the hell is with this guy" then when i started to bust some moves and there saw i wasn't a mentalist (mainly cause Ryan joined me, and i then seemed socially exceptable) i was embrassed by the dancefloor elite.
We had been invited to a house party by the Sat night DJ "Kenny G" no not the dentist chair music mystro. Turns out he has a hot tub in his back garden...i was out of the footy kit in a flash and soaked away sipping Jim Beam in the hot tub for the rest of the night.
It has been Manly Jazz festival all weekend too, think i have heard about 15 renditions of bond themes over the whole weekend.
Final couple of things:

* Guy on beach playing music through his phone! GET SOME HEADPHONES!!
* Man walking down to get a coffee at 7am! JUST STAY IN BED THEN YOU WON'T NEED THE COFFEE.

The longest Saturday / Blog

2007-09-23T16:30:00.000-07:00

What started as a normal weekend soon turned quite weird with lots to talk about.

Friday: Ryan came round for a few beers before we went down to Shore, we ate quite late and had a pretty uneventful night resulting in him getting kicked out of Henry Afrikas for being too drunk and leaving me dancing be myself. Probably looking like the loneliest man on the dancefloor as I kept looking round for him expecting him to reappear.

Saturday: Jason at work offered me 2 tickets to the NRL semi finals (Manly vs QLD Cowboys) I was playing on staying in on Sat and not spending any money, but when Jase said it was in the “Corp Suite” with free booze & food my issues were not issues anymore.
We got there at 6.30 and proceeded to fill our gullet’s too are hearts content. For some reason on the occasions where I have the chance of free booze, I like to cover all the base’s….so as to not miss out on anything. Johns Boags beer (lovely stuff), Penfolds 75 merlot (nice drop), Vodka & lemon fanta (very refreshing), Bundaberg & coke (not so great).
After Manly trounced the Cowboys we headed back to Manly to celebrate with the locals. After pestering Kenny the DJ for “our songs” (summer rain (Belinda carlise) & I ran (flock of seagulls)) I noticed, lets call her Nicole for legal purposes…we got to know each other a couple of weeks before hand in Henry Afrika’s, somebody dropped a glass and a small shard of glass cut Nicole’s leg I could see she was a bit narked about this, so with my ninja like intuition I grabbed Shaun behind the bar & said I need a plaster asap. I returned with the plaster got down on my knees and covered the wound (small cut) with the plaster expertly, to which I heared a chorus of girls “awwwwwwww-ing” behind me. This did not seem to impress Nicole who shrugged her shoulders in a thankful manner. I was quite annoyed my act of chivalry was not met with more enthusiasm. When I didn’t even get a kiss and the house lights came on I trudged home huffing & puffing.
As I rounded the corner to home I heard some music coming from a groundfloor window, I did what can only be described as a bez dance through the window…it must have done the trick as this resulted in a bottle of beer being passed through the bars on the window also I was offered a invite inside, dancing round the front room of this random apartment being given free beer & JB my thoughts on Nicole soon dissolved. I thanked my new friend Neil greatly for his hospitality and left for the 1 minute walk home.
I walked into my building and pressed for the lift, then I heard a girl on the phone saying “I can’t get in”….so I just shouted 306!! As I took the lift up to slumberland. To my shock there was a knock on the door (it was 3.30am at this point) and Hilary came in saying how she was locked out, we sat down shooting the breeze and next thing I knew I was woke up by Hilary saying from her sofa “jesus its 9am iv gotta go”….i had enough energy to open one eye and was thinking, who is this girl leaving my flat. I heard the door close & next thing I knew it was 2.30pm and Dave was calling me to get down the beach.
Now you’re probably thinking what an eventful night that was…but there was more to come.

I arrive at the beach thinking all the way there that the inventor of sunglasses should be knighted or made a saint as they hide me from the harsh reality of a busy Sunday afternoon where I would of made young children drunk just by breathing on them. I meet up with Dave, Ry, Nad, Dom & Tanya and we share our stories of our weekends etc…...chilling on the beach and doing some snorkeling was a brilliant tonic for the night before’s exploits, then a couple of visions of beauty came and sat near us. Wanting to erase the memory of the horrible Nicole I ventured over to the girls and offered them a CD (which I had just got for free from the 7eleven) for some of their oil, sod this factor 30 sh!t. I thanked them & later on traded some skittles for the CD as I actually wanted it and they didn’t. Yes offering strange girls sweets on a beach…I was lucky not to be arrested! After some Frisbee action we arranged to meet the girls later for some celebratory drinks and had a lovely evening chatting away in Shore, fortunately she had to be at work early so left early-ish which mean’t I was tucked up in bed by 11 after a lovely brew. Meaning im feeling not too shabby this morning.

Boozy Booze Booze

2007-09-17T16:08:00.000-07:00

Just wrote a whole blog and hit publish and it was lost GRRRRRRRR!!!

So here's the condensed version. After going out 6 nights in a row which resulted in me shivering on the sofa last monday night feeling like poo, i have taken my foot of the gas. Only going out on Sat night where i met up with Dave & Ryan who had been on a bit of a lame Stag Do (the coolest person was Trev, the 61yr old father in-law!)
So i dragged us 3 off to Dragonflys saying: "if its not good i'll pay for the taxi home myself" where upon i was asked "who do you think you are Les Dennis on Family Fortunes". Surfice to say i did not have to pay for the taxi home as it was really good.

Had a BBQ on Friday at work (happens quite regularly im told), every1 threw $10 in (4quid) for 3 or 4 beers, hotdogs & steak sangers SWEET! Last Tuesday when i had vowed to lay off the booze for a week, I was invited to a work lunch, i had to decline to get some work done. Then went out to say bye to my friend Matthew who was returning to Alais France. And the waitress brang over about 6 free cocktails cause they had been training! was somebody testing me or what...i had a few sips and was tucked up in bed before my carriage turned back into a pumpkin. Hope everyone is doing well who reads my ramblings, always good to hear from you.

“cheeky cheeky”

2007-09-09T18:06:00.000-07:00

I was introduced to a new game on Saturday night called “cheeky cheeky”. The rules were explained to me like this:
The person to your left will pinch your cheek and say “cheeky cheeky” then you have to do this to the person on your right.
When it gets round to the start the person can then change hands or change the move to a “temple slide”, “forehand stroke” etc etc if you get it wrong when carrying on the chain you have to neck your drink! SIMPLE…
After playing this wonderful game on the smoking balcony at the Shore Club a lady interrupts Dave, Ryan and myself with the immortal statement…

“do you have a light please, and what is all that shit on your face”

It would seem that when Dave was starting each cycle, he would puts his fingers in the ashtray that was by his side. And be putting it on my face. Kudos to those two mischievous rogues who well and truly, got me.

Not So Secret

2007-09-04T15:57:00.000-07:00

So i got the ferry over to Sydney from Manly last night to go over to Paddington.

For those of you who don't know APEC (meeting of world leaders) is going on in Sydney, and George Dubya turned up last night, so as im trying to get back to the ferry. I get stopped at one of the security gates. There was about 10 of us waiting...photographers, press, residents & me.

The cops come over to open the gate, and first bloke says "i live just there, can you let me through" next lady "iv got a APEC pass"....then one cop says to the other (really loudly).
"WHICH ONE IS THE SECRET SERVICE GUY?"
The bloke to my left sheepishly walks towards the gate.

I just burst out laughing..."not so secret now is he!" (i was the only person finding this funny)

Anyway cause of this i missed the ferry by 5 mins but it was worth it.

welcome party

2007-08-30T15:32:00.000-07:00

sat at work still pretty inhebriated after y'day's welcome to websters lunch! we ended up at mine sinking through 1 botttle of Jack Beam 1 bottle of John Daniels and 1 bottle of Smirnoff.....i got in at 7am...and im mean't to be working til midnight-ish!

Can't Wait!!

bring on the weekend for some surf and relaxation x

Frank in the Bank

2007-08-21T17:13:00.000-07:00

So them helpful people at my bank back home told me I can not withdraw cash in Oz…I have to go into the bank with my passport and driving licence to with draw money grrrrr.

So I headed down to my new bank (ANZ) for the first time since opening the account on Monday, first of all I forgot my passport then had to run back and get it, so I get in there at 3.50pm (it shuts at 4pm). And shortly after I get to the counter a mentalist walks in (think it was autism…proper Rain Man type) and he’s scratching his ears shouting for $250….
A women is following him round asking for ID…and he’s just screaming I want $250….as everyone pretends he’s not there. On his rucksack he has “Frank Blacker” & a phone number written on it.

Then he starts banging on the plastic window that separates the cashiers from the public….he then walks off as if he is leaving. On the way out he walks into a side office and goes into a draw, and comes out with a few dollars. The woman shouts that its her money so a Jim Robinson lookalike (full head of hair thou) grabs him and gets him in a hold. This send “Frank” wild and he’s screaming his head off. I walked over to help Jim restrain Frank…as I walk away from the counter. The shutters FLY UP!.......BANG! my passport drivers licence and money is all now stuck behind a metal window…

I get over to Frank who is screaming and start asking him to calm down and count to 10…which he starts to do but is shouting…then tell him to do it a bit quieter and breathing at the same time….we get him to sit in a chair and I get his bag off for someone to call the number on the bag. Then the cops arrive and have no idea how to talk to Frank but then 2 more cops turn up and one of them realizes he needs to talk quietly and calmly to him…after 40mins stuck in the bank the screens come down and I can get my money and stuff….as I walk past the cops i tell Frank to be good for the cop’s and his carer / parent is apparently on the way. The woman says thanks for your help and I head off to buy a ironing board!

My new life....

2007-08-20T16:38:00.000-07:00

I landed Sat morning at 7am and got showed around the Manly area where i am living now. Being the first day i couldn't really stay in, so we went to Kings Cross and danced & drank til 3am. It took me about an hour to get a cab and ended up getting in at 4.30am. 49 hours after i had left my house in Oxford haha!!

Phil an Jane were moving out when i got there so i have taken their old room. Ben goes to China for 7 weeks today.
So i now have a nice 2 bed flat to myself....with a nice view of Manly harbour & 2 minute walk from the beach.Need: a bed, sofa, kettle, iron, ironing board, some drawers etc etc

They have council pickup days when people leave stuff on the streets here, so hopefully i can litterally pickup a few bits.Oh yeah its been raining yesterday and today (hasn't rained in the previous 6 weeks hmmm) at least Sat was nice and hot so i know what it is normally like.

Ben introduced me to 2 of his mates Ryan & Dave who seem pretty cool & are gunna show me around. It seems like everything is a bit more chilled out here, i started work yesterday and this is my second day, they keep saying "ah so you can do LED content" ummm no....oh thats what Ben said. Cheers BEN!!

Opened a bank account y'day, brought stuff for the flat and did some shopping before having a 10 hour big sleep mmmm, 7am til 3pm is what we seem to be working at the mo...bring on the summer i'llbe on the beach by 3.15 everyday wooooo.

Phantom Flee's

2007-08-15T07:37:00.000-07:00

Well my ticket has finally come through, my visa has been granted and in 30 hours i'll be living in Australia!!

As iv been waiting for the company im going to, to book the ticket. I have never had a date to look forward to or get anxious about, not sure if thats a good thing....as now its all starting to mount up:

"what the hell an i doing" "will i like it" "can i do the job" "will i be sat by fat people or babies"

I have my life in 2 bags ready to take to the otherside of the world! Getting pretty nervous & excited all at the same time.

Im not sure what to expect, but i have been told that im down to play in a game of football at 3pm Saturday then a party afterwards....i land at 10am. So that is going to be interesting.
Keeping myself hydrated and trying to set my body clock to Oz time now so i hopefully won't be too bad.

Anyone who wants to keep me up to date on some decent music it would be much appreciated as i think Wet Wet Wet are still topping the charts down-under! (i can send you a ftp link to send over some tunes for me if anyone is up for that).

Gunna miss everyone loads!! not to say i'll be sat on the floor rocking like a baby (Paul Robinson breakdown stylee) but will occasionally be thinking about what your all doing "back home".

tada for now and keep in touch on FB & Myspaz. X

Things you might not know...

2007-07-26T06:27:00.000-07:00

Here's a few things you might not know

* I was terrified about terrorhawks (i am told)
* I was scared of worzel gummidge
* I love yoghurt (muller's, greek, natural & yoghurt covered stuff e.g. raisins)
* I never liked Nirvana
* I don't like rollercoasters or fast rides
* I don't drink instant coffee
* Van Damme & Segal movies made from 1985-1995 are classic's

all i can think of at the mo...

He's only gone and done it

2007-07-18T07:07:00.000-07:00

Me off to another country for....im not sure how long.
I will have to find out how to use this properly when im gone. (in about 3-4 weeks)

waaaaahhhh x

Baby on Board

2007-07-13T06:09:00.000-07:00

No im not going to start singing the "B-Sharps" song from The Simpsons....

I was just wondering why people have the BABY ON BOARD signs in there car??
Will a yellow sign with this on stop me from ramming into the back of you?
Sorry if you did not have that sign there i would of tried to run you off the road!
Is it mean't to make me keep my distance? (your baby can not see out the back of your car)

Or do you just want to tell the world you have a baby? in which case....get it tattooed on your FOREHEAD!!

Phantasmagoria

2007-07-12T04:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday i had a dream (no this isn't the start of a Luther King speech). I slept in cause in my dream i was dreaming that i didn't have to go to work....why? i hear you cry. well you might want to know.

Dream: Me, Dan & Dan are driving to work from Carterton, we're driving down ashfield road. and i notice a rather large man in a red suit walking going round a corner at end of the road and it looks like he has a gun (9mm or some sort of automatic).
When the car goes round the corner i look at the man, and he shoots at the car! WHACK!
He's shot me in the neck....we carry on down the road and get to Lloyds bank where we pull up.
I take refuge in there with Geordie (Mark Henderson) who when he first see's us shouts "Wye ey man, wats gan on". The large man in the red suit has now made it to Carterton Town centre and is shooting at anything he see's, women, children, OAPs.
Next thing i know im in a hospital waiting room on a trolley-bed thing, and im watching Celebrity Come Dancing. And Dan W is on there and has just finished his routine, as the lady on the panel says. "i can't see past Dan or Rio winning the show this year". She is on about Rio Ferdinand as it is a footballer special.

Answers on a postcard please.

Last nights dream was that a load of us were playing golf, but i didn't have any clubs.....just and empty bag. And everytime i almost found some clubs to fill up my bag, somehow i wasn't allowed them or they had just been brought or taken. So i was running round trying to sort it out and catch up on the course with everyone. And by the time i did it. They'd all finished.

Answers on same postcard please.
(although i think this might be about trying to do too much and accomplishing nothing)

There be my dreams anyway peeps

Heroes

2007-06-26T05:33:00.000-07:00

Think i already have made a few comments on how great i think "Heroes" is!

Some of you have probably seen it, but for those of you that haven't....it's like Lost/X-men. Don't want to compare it to that Mutant X thing on sky that had the rubbish Lex Luther from the rubbish Superman (avec Dean Caine).
The characters in it are awesome and story is just something that i could only wish id thought of.
Get on it if you can, i have all of the fist season at home. Just ask if you want to see it.

Going to go home later and watch the last 10 episodes (about 6 hours im guessing). Its SOOOOO good.

Grandma Jessie Turners birthday dinner tomorrow, must not forget!!

Takeshi's Castle

2007-06-21T12:56:00.000-07:00

I remember Axl's blog about Kabudee (spelling i know).

And for some reason it made me think of Takeshi's Castle! Its like Pat Sharpe's Fun House (its a whole lotta fun, prizes to be won.....its a real crazy game where anything can be done) ON ACID! with adults & Japanese adults!

Voiced by Craig Charles....so you keep thinking, when is Cat & Kryton going to pop in. Until you realized Kryton did a real life pinnochio and turned from a cyborg into the presenter of Scrapheap Challenge on channel 4 (he also asked me where the pizza's were in Witney Sainsburys when i worked there) And Cat now works behind the bar in The Three Goats-Heads, on St Michaels Street. Once you are over all that you can sit back and laugh one of the greatest shows ever!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=0zpijWy-O-s

Larry Fishburne Surfs

2007-06-18T01:52:00.000-07:00

I went to watch Fantastic Four yesterday, and it was really good. Far better than the first installment of the Fantastic Four franchise. Lawrence Fishburne is the Silver Surfer's voice (one cool dude's voice, voicing one cool character)

Firstly though I saved myself £1.75 by ordering a student ticket online, then when you put your card in the machine it prints out your "cheaper" ticket....then when you walk past the gormless minion who rips your ticket, they don't even ask for any id / student card! PERFICK!
Is going to the cinema alone weird & wrong? If not why does it feel a bit like that.

One thing that really P!SSED me off, maybe you should know that some of the smallest things really annoy me sometimes e.g.
The little flag that comes up on BBC when someone is offside in a football game??? the game stops for the free kick to be taken so we KNOW its offside! we don't need a poxy flag in the bottom left hand corner every time ! It doesn't come up when the linesman gets it wrong either so what is the point?!?!

The thing that agitated me this time was, when I walked towards screen 7's door (fully laden with big gulp & nachos)....the door had a handle on it, so I had to pull it! Surely the doors should be a "push" door not a "pull". Bad design in my eyes and if I had of dropped my nachos cause of this, they would of known about it I can tell you!
I was thinking of hiding in the toilets for 45mins then I could of gone and watched Pirates 3 also, however I wasn't sure that 7 hours spent in the cinema would be a great way to spend a Sunday.
Hreda were "headlining" Charlbury Festival so off I went there instead of hanging round a cinema, calling in at the pub first. Where I found a couple of travel buddies. Namely Michael (who was basking in the glory of ARF being so awesome the night before) & Becky (who was trying to fit through a A4 sized window panel at the time).

We got to Charlbury in double quick time & enjoyed the humid atmosphere in anticipation of Hreda's "new song" & "secret 4th Hredan" (Tom the Chello-man). Hreda were at their usual best! with a slight faux pas on the new song, after 10 seconds of the intro they halted proceedings and started again. The addition of the Cello was very pleasant on the lug-holes and there was lots of whooping from the Charlbury crowd who hand only hand clapped the previous couple of acts. This may have been down to the Swazye-esq Jamie, sending female hearts a flutter but I think we are all agreed it was all down to the Hreda sound!

This was only meant to be a quick blog about my annoyance of the cinema door's. But thought I would play that off against the nice bits of Sunday too.

Deserved Scapegoat

2007-06-15T01:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday i had a formal written warning.... i hold my hands up to making a couple of mistakes recently, as have other people at work.
Maybe i needed a rocket up my arse (not in the literal sense) but i did think a official verbal warning came first.
Everything we do is usually last minute and you have the client demanding it on 1 hand & you have the print dept calling you a w@nker if you bring a rush job down....so its a bit of a lose/lose situation. Good job im thick skinned

If someone in the print dept makes a mistake, the stuff is in the skip quicker than you can say "get that stuff in the skip".....if somethings goes wrong because of me, it seems like, they want to draw attention to it, leave it out for someone to ask whats wrong with that? Oh Leeeee did it wrong.

I know some people at my work actually LIKE people making mistakes so they can draw attention to it! (its like the highlight of their day) One bloke in particular, loves to go straight to the bosses with any slight error.
I have never been like that, and if someones made a mistake i would always try and play it down and resolve the situation. Because of this formal warning, it makes me want to make a list of every error i hear of. I don't think that is conducive to a good working environment, but maybe that is the environment i am already in & should start changing my ways....

This warning was carried out to the letter of the law and will make me a better employee, but i do wonder why they carry out things like this very professionally....but in other aspects e.g. appraisals & pay reviews they have no procedure in place.
Suppose what im saying is they are quick to come down on people, but very very slow in showing appreciation.

I know you shouldn't compare yourself to others, but people have said they can't believe this happened yesterday when there are a few others that this should of happened to also. This just sounds like sour grapes now....but i do think the Boss doesn't like me because i don't, take a great interest in him or laugh at all of his really lame jokes as loudly as others.
So i'll just do the following things and everything should be tickety boo:

Keep my nose clean. -no drugs at work-
Cover my arse. -no bumming at work-

(very self indulgent & boring to read about inter-office politics i imagine....my apologies if you've read through all that)

My new phone

2007-06-12T08:23:00.001-07:00

Iv made a new phone, the battery is potassium powered, you can only make call's on it.
Sending texts & hopefully taking photos may be available in future models. Watch this space!

New to this....

2007-06-12T04:27:00.000-07:00

can't really find my round this very well. Iv got my username & password sorted now so might just comment on people unless i have something of merit to say, but when has that ever happened.

Im off to go get some £5 jeans for ASDA wooo!

Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in shepards bush

2007-06-12T04:18:00.000-07:00

What a SH!TE day i had yesterday!!

Got a phone call in the morning about a interview backdrop that is needed for The Stella Tournament (not a drinking championship as you would think, but a tennis tournament for those not in the know) @ Queens Club, Kensington.

So i went to work and managed to get a 8x4ft panel in my golf and headed for Londinium.
Dropped off the backdrop! "DONE".
Got offered some free passes to watch the tennis! "NICE".
Rang a mate to meet up for a drink! "SWEET".
Got from Kensington to Peckham in 30mins! "AWESOME".
Went to park up, clutch went krrrack! "BOLL*CKS".

(that was all in a Gordon Ramsey, explaining a reciepe stylee from the F-Word)

7 hours later and a fair few pounds lighter off my car ended up outside Mr Clutch on the Cowley road waiting to be fixed.
Bang went the "cheap" weekend i had planned.....trying to look at the positives, now im a member of The AA, that doesn't mean im giving up the booze!
It means if any of you break down, give me a shout and we can blag The AA to help you out. And the recovery vehicle driver told me some great stories about his drug smuggling days.

Also every time i say Mr Clutch it makes me smile.....