oh me oh my

I heard a story the other day about someone who brought a dress because he boyfriend was going to propose to her, the woman in the shop let the customer know that someone had brought the dress earlier the previous day but had returned it later on, with the labels intact also wishing the lady well and to...."let me know how you get on".

Two weeks later the woman comes back into the shop to return the dress, saying she had been proposed to but then the 3 days afterwards she had spent in hospital after receiving 3rd degree burns from the straps on the dress.

The shop owner got in contact with the person who had brought the dress in the first place...and she had to own up! She had brought the dress for her sisters funeral and did not have enough money to buy the dress, so she put her in it for the open casket then returned the dress!!
The formaldehyde that was on the body had rubbed off on the dress then reacted when the next owner wore the dress, burning her. EWWWWWWWWWWW!


I went kayaking to Cockatoo Island at the weekend (iv heard you like a cock or two, as Rodney has said on several occasions) it was really good fun with 2 out of the 3 of us capsizing and the 3rd slipping on his arse as soon as we got to the island, looking like he'd projectile-pooed his pants, this was one of the first things in which the 10 year old BULLIES tormented us for while we were putting up the tents, next on their list was calling us George, Sam & Tim...and the final straw was when they threw burger rings into our tent. We were effectively being bullied by 10 year olds and after, the age old adage of ignoring them and they will go away had no result we had to resort to "leave us alone or we will tell your parents what little fuckers your being!" JOB DONE.

We were invited to join a group of 15 women/girls from Camden who were on their works Christmas Party (from a swim school) they were a barrel of laughs and fed us up with their picnic snack and homemade quiche's! It was an experience to speak to possibly the dumbest blonde i have ever met, who when talking about black people said it with a bit of distain....so i had to say, that’s a bit racist. To which i heard one of the best comebacks i have ever heard (without a minuscule of sarcasm or irony)

Im not racist, Barrack Obama is hot!

JESUS H CHRIST!

Many other pearls of wisdom were spouted by this air brained entity, which left my jaw firmly rooted to the floor. She is in desperate need of some education.

$30 extra for my Casio illuminator/calculator watch in bright yellow rather than black, now that’s money well spent....isn't it?

Time's are a changing

So as you can see from the last post, i got drunk at a work do and brought something from the silent auction again, last year it was the signed Aryton Senna picture. And this year after categorically saying i was not going to bid on anything....after a few glasses of vino, the Arthur Daley / Del Boy Trotter came out of me thinking "what a great investment". I have been told by the people who made it that it is worth twice what i paid for it, just need to find a fan who really wants to buy it.

During the last few weeks iv moved house, we've moved 1 suburb out of Manly now, so its a bit cheaper to live and I shouldn't be going out as much as it's not as easy to "pop out for 1 beer (who ever has 1 beer)"
Also have been interviewing for a new house mate for the spare room, and my current housemate Ben leaves to go and live in Perth in mid Jan, so will need to find someone for his room too. All very exciting as will be meeting & living with new people and making new friends...but if they turn out to be the sort of person who leaves tea bags in the sink & comes home drunk and goes for a wee in the corner on my Don Bradman cricket bat then that wouldn't be so great.

D-fens (aka Mr Wainwright Snr to you!) was over for the last 2 weeks, hopefully he had a good time de-stressing from work and catching up with "#1 son" (aint that right Russ) we went and visiting Lindfield where he lived when he was 4-6yrs old....good job the grandparents couldn't settle here otherwise i wouldn't even be here.
A couple of mates have landed in Melbourne over the weekend and are coming up for a few days on Wed, and Dunny should be here in early new year so looking forward to that. Also counting down the days til we get a nice break from work! 3 weeks off is just what i need.

So after the last 4-5months being pretty lousy, things (i hope) are on the up!

Signed Bradman Bat - Endorsed by the Bradman Foundation

Interested in buying a full size cricket bat with Sir Donald Bradman's signature? This is available in Sydney. Offers of around $3750 will be considered.

Number 1 out of 100 (limited edition)

Endorsed by the Bradman Foundation

Comes with certificate of authenticity

Please get in contact with Lee@oamm.com.au for further information.

True Story

So I heard this tale about a person house sitting a friends dog the other day and it made me laugh...

A couple go away to Dubai for a holiday and leave their quite old German Shepard dog at home and ask their friend if she can go round once a day and look after it for the week.

So on the 3rd day she goes round and finds the dog laying DEAD on the kitchen floor.

She rings the local vet, who says if she can get it to the surgery....he can put it in the morgue freezers until the owners are back and they can decide if they want to bury it or cremate it.

As it is only 2 tube stops away, and with no car. She bundles the pooch into a suitcase and makes her way to the tube station, as she is struggling up the stairs at the stop she needs, a helpful young man asks if she needs a hand with the case...she says thanks and as they are nearing the top of the climb, he asks what she has in the case.

Not wanting to look like a lady with a dog killing fetish...she thinks on her feet and says "oh its DJ-ing equipment for a party im going to". Awkward conversation averted. As they get the case to the top of the stairs, the young man BOLTS OFF with the case, thinking he has just stolen himself some DJ equipment.


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Morale of the story, never help ladies with their luggage (even if they are your girlfriend or relative) Thank you Sandy for this awesome story.

Are things on the up

So i was applying for a visa with my company, Webster Signs...when they were absorbed by the sales part of the company OAMM, after the South African investors brought the rest of the business (that is the simple way of explaining it). And my application was rejected because the financial information supplied did look good...basically the part of the company i worked for paid all the bills and the wages and the other two parts made the profit. Anyway the visa officer thought he smelt something fishy and rejected me.
So i had about 2 weeks to do all the paperwork again and reapply under the new company name, submitting the figures for OAMM which show sound financial status and low and behold. My visa was submitted last Thursday (the day my visa ran out) and was granted the following Tuesday. HOORAHHH!

Now the lawyer who was dealing with it, and charged the company again to resupply the application ($6 grand a time, when it costs $1200 to actually lodge it) is beating his chest about the record turnaround (other friends say it should take a week, so this shows he is not used to such successful turnarounds)...He is asking me to fill out a feedback questionnaire so he can put it in the feedback folder in his reception and it will look good. Funnily enough i did not get asked to fill one of these out when my application was rejected! At least i have it now and im safe for 4 more years.

Also our lease is up at the end of the month and finally going to move somewhere cheaper. Yes our place is nice but they are trying to raise the rent again, they did not actually change the direct debit last time, so they think they are only raising it $30 per week, but it would actually be nearer $60, so f*ck that. Have seen places with an extra bedroom for 30% cheaper. Thats what im talking about.

I have been working averagely 12 hour days for the last month now, getting loads of stuff done for the Rugby League World Cup (which about 200 people know is going on i think) whenever i think im nearly done something else always comes up. I did have Mon & Tues off this week, but i have then come back in 8am Wed to a broken printer which was fixed by lunchtime and it is now 6am Thursday and hopefully i will be done by about 8am, nice 24 hour shift to come back to. I do not mind doing it cause work have been great with my visa...and basically it needs doing!

So i can now book a holiday back to England as i know i can get back in the country. Loads of other stuff been happening, went on our footy end of season trip. We went up the coast to Port Stephens, and got on the beer at 9am Fri morning and stopped sometime on Sunday with literally 6 hours stopped inbetween (3 hours per night) really good laugh and taking the p!ss out of each other. Had a couple of friends 30th's in the last few weeks too...so lots of BBQ's & nights out & Phil had a surprise boat party....which i turned into the drunkest man on the planet at:
Fell over on a balcony, don't remember meeting people, wasn't allowed in the pub (and completely agreed with the doormen), was home in bed by 10pm and woke up fresh as a daisy at 9am. Oh yes i did have Mon & Tues off...but i did have to drive for 4 hours on Sunday taking some stuff to Newcastle which had been lost.

Things have got to be on the up....

Get a job, life, manners & some class

Whilst out in the ever pretentious Shore Club last night...let me first set the scene.
When I first arrived in Australia (Manly) Shore Club had just opened and I frequented it 3 or 4 times a week as the bar staff were genuinely nice and it was all new so there was no "you aint from round here looks", since then it has listened to its own hype of being Manly's number one bar also Australia's top new bar....and has become THE place to be seen by every local plonker in a pair of skinny jeans / sqwarky voiced just turned 18 year old GIRL looking for a night of free drinks off skinny jean wearing numpty's or the older tight white shirt wearing beefed up yuppie.

So after a few drinks down the road in Freshwater we end up going to said - Shore Club. And there we find them on the top floor (open air smoking room) in one of the cabaña's. A group of skins wannabe's with unwashed hair....mine is unwashed a lot of the time but I do not have shoulder length hair! headband wearing, being overly loud (as they actually have nothing to say apart from, "sick" "hey" "fully sick" & "hey bruu") plebs.

Now I hold a distaste for this group of society for no reason other than I do not understand them...man fears what he does not understand yes, but soon enough all my irrational hatred was vilified. Number one dickhead (20 year old who thinks he is Mick Jagger incarnate) stand's up looks in the mirror on the wall behind the horse-shoed seating area and starts to set fire to his f*cking hair as he is egged on by Ronnie Wood & Keith Richards - well that's who they think they are - when in fact they are just finishing college era - mummy & daddy's boys. Who go out on pingers (E's) on Friday, Saturday & Sunday night and think they are some sort of Big Brother Z-list celebrity, now im not Mary Whitehouse when it comes to drugs but Australia's fascination with ecstasy is a strange one, from 13-53 they are all* on them 7 days a week...the majority DO live by the law of "Jeremy" (Peep Show) "If It Feels Good, Do It".

Not only did his two cohorts find this hilarious as did others in the bar, i found it completely stupid. Jackass it was not. Looking back now I wish I had had the balls/speed of thought, to get a fire extinguisher and empty it's contents all over the little knob. Maybe im getting old, maybe I don't suffer fools gladly (unless I know them), maybe it was the subsequent smell of burnt hair that wafted across the bar that annoyed me. I was infuriated & just thought about how proud his parents must be of him.

Iv woken up in places that I could not remember how I had gotten there & filled up many a friends bath/sink/toilet with the contents of my stomach, but not in the manner of a recently evicted big brother contestant who has to let the entire room know what they are doing or about to do. Give me a cup of tea, slice of cake & a comfortable chair any day.

The end of football

The very first day I arrived in Oz I saw the football team I would be playing for, playing their last game of the season and it was to be 6 long months til I was to grace the hallowed fields of the northern beaches making my debut for the mighty manly vale fc. After 20 odd games and finishing third in the league we went into "Finals".

In Australia most sports finish the season then have the top 4 or top 8 go into a finals system 1st playing 4th and 2nd playing 3rd in this case. So we went into our semi final last Saturday confident of making the Grand Final (or GF to those in the know) playing against a team full of "Poms" it was like being back home. We clawed back from 1-zip down at halftime to be level 1-1 after about an hour. We gave their goal an onslaught that could have been compared with the battering at helms deep, chance after chance went begging. It was down to penalties.
After the penalty competition we'd had at training on the Tuesday before hand, where Ben, Phil & Myself had been the most consistent penalty takers you would have thought we would have started off....well our gaffer & captain, best mates Pete & Gav decided they'd get things going and both missed. One was as worse a penalty as David Batty's in France 98 & the other clipped the outside of the post. I had gone to get the match ball from behind the far goal and when I returned the order had been sorted to my annoyance.

After the game everyone was cheering what a great season we'd had and I was sat in the corner having my beer, muttering why, why, why to myself. As you can tell its still a bit roar, we'd planned for the instance of penalty's and our plans were not put into place ARRRRGGGHHH.

This was nothing that couldn't be fixed by us going out and getting mashed that very same night, and yes we did! On the Sunday however it is apparently tradition for a sporting team to go out on a "mad Monday" where you go out on the Sunday after your season is over and continue into the wee hours of Monday. I turned up a couple of hours late after going for lunch in the city with Lia. To be met by half the team at the pub, drinking COKE'S!! some had been and gone, others left 1 hour after I got there. This was a rubbish effort (no matter how much id of rather been laying on the couch). Five of us soldiered on until we were met by Phil & Chris who had been working and we drank to a promising season in which we fell at the final hurdle.

Now the long wait of 6 months til next season, the best thing about the weekend however was the JetCat trips to and from the city on Sunday morning. On the way there we managed to get the JetCat just as the hooter was going. The gate actually didn't let me through but my card had gone in and Lia was through so I hopped it with a knowing nod from the Wharf personnel. On the way back we the exact same, we got to the gate as they were saying last call. 10 seconds from disaster each time but just on the right side, am I the only one to get such exhilaration from this?

Not sure if they will have them in every Aldi across the globe but next time your in one (if you ever do go in them) look out for choco pillows, no its not a cliché for a poo ridden nappy, its the best cereal in the world! like a desert in a bowl for breakfast mmmmmmm & the bag is dual sealed! so you get two bowls out of the top....then you rip off the plastic bag and you have another bag attached to the bottom with enough for another 2 portions (3 portions if your not a pig like me).

what to do

I now have my paperwork lodged for my 457 visa (4 more years) i don't want to jinx myself and say "i have my visa" as im sure something else will go wrong with it. The solicitor-lawyer-prat that was dealing with it was really annoying!
I was warned about him by the other lads at work that had visa's done with them, but thought as long as i was organised it'd be ok, i think he just waits til the last minute so that it looks like he's pulled off a miracle when he finally lodges it. They kept asking for forms we'd already supplied, lost my medical forms, asked me to fill out the wrong forms etc etc.
Just want to pay the last 2 bills and be done with it now!

Its blooming freezing in Sydney at the moment, well has been for about 2 months and hopefully one more month to go til it starts to get hot again, this wasn't part of the deal when i signed away my soul to move here. Looking forward to summer, so can get back to swimming after work and surfing (when there aren't sharks in the water like last weekend).

Poker is really taking over recently, we were getting a bit sick of staging it at our place every week. Then we were given a 10 seater poker table + i managed to win a couple of games for the first time in a while and we were playing twice a week for a couple of weeks.

In the last month we brought a new printer at work (not a desktop printer) a 4m wide digital printer to print all the sports boards & pages on. So my job has changed from sending off a pdf and 3 days later the prints coming back....im now here all day setting up the artwork and making the sh!t, the days absolutely fly by now which is good and its another string to my bow. i went out to the first game of the A-league season on Sat night with some of the people from work to our suite...love going there for the free food & booze, i certainly don't go for the standard of football being played.

Speaking of footy, we have our last game of the season on Saturday. Then its finals time! (semi final then final the week after) would be great to get to the final we'll see what happens. the folks have booked up their second trip over to come see their number 1 son & feed & water him for a couple of weeks. Will be booking up my holiday back in England for March next year so i'll be back for my birthday.

Well this blog has been full of....nothing really but thought id get some stuff down.

Darwin

Went to Darwin last week, its like Witney!....the capital of the northern territory (where you could fit about 3 united kingdoms) the capital of this state is like Witney! haha.

Went and visited Fannie Bay when i was there, was very nice but not what i was expecting.

Got back last Friday night, played footy on Saturday and won for the first time in 3 games! Then went to Steph's birthday at their flat, she lives with my good friend Rodders. Lovely buffet supplied and a champagne punch which knocked me for 6 after id had 2 cups.
There was a 7 year old boy there (im guessing 7), his mother was a "earth mum" with the biggest breasts i have seen (in the flesh), her partner was wearing some trousers that are identical to my pyjamas (cream with thin brown strips)...i would say my Pyjamas looked better than his trousers. He also had a wallet velcro'ed around his wrist (like the sort of thing you had when you were 11 on holiday).
Well they had to leave abruptly as the little snot, once he'd finished jumping on Rodney's router and throwing stuff around the front room, NEEDED FEEDING!!

Yes that's right Mrs "we live in a commune" Big Boobs needed to take the brat off for his milk, he was also never told off. He was parented on the points system! 5 points if you stay out of the bedroom, 5 points if you can control your urge to pull mummy's boobs out, 50 points says that he'll grow up to be a very weird human being! (probably with very strong bones but what they hey).

Still have not got my visa going through yet, but the boss said it would be sorted today then i'll be straight on a bridging visa (phew!). If not then i'll see all you guys back in the UK around August. If not i'll be back in the new year as the Mrs can't get holiday til then and need to save up to come back to Blighty (what is it 5quid a pint now & 3pound a litre of petrol?).

Fiji - Food & Drink

G'day, Bonjour, watch'ya (apparently i am the only person to use watch'ya in text's).


I don't think i have mentioned on here, but i am playing for the Mighty Manly Vale FC over in Australia now and we are currently sitting 2nd i believe: won 5 lost 1 drawn 1. So Saturdays are something to look forward to again, also this cuts down the amount of time that could be spent drinking to my bodies relief.

Recently iv seem to be eating a LOT! a side order of buffalo wings with my steak, a pancake to finish of breakfast, some scones to have after my lunch. THREE plates of food simultaneously at the breakfast buffet. This will have to stop....and no i have not ballooned, still the same 88KG i normally am, but it can not be good.

Last Sunday we had our works conference, we went to Fiji's main island Nadi. we stayed until the Thursday morning. The days consisted of meetings from 9am til 1pm everyday then we would have lunch and arrange tennis or a golf game for the afternoon...yes HARD LIFE! i hear you all cry, and when i returned i would talked down what a good time i had out there as people would then say "did you get much done" with a sh!t eating grin on their face.

YES ACTUALLY WE GOT LOTS DONE! I do apologise that i was taken to Fiji, but it was very productive & enjoyable.

I did take my board but did not get chance to surf unfortunately, me & Phil had settled on a 5am wake up and get a surf in before the next days meetings. However when i rang to book the wakeup call and thought id check what the actual time was i was told it was 4.20am so i rebooked the wakeup call for 8am.

I may be heading to ribs and rumps tonight to spend the $100 gift voucher i received from them. This was due to what i described in my complaint as the "surly" waitress. Who seemed completely offended we were in her section. Asking for the starters to come out with the mains was a alien concept for her, let alone asking for another bottle of table water, to which she replied "fine!" almost with a tut on the end. All i can say is the management know how to deal with a problem there.

There are quite a few pics on my facebook, i especially like the one of the breakfast menu at Nadi airport:

"Bacon & Chiz omelets & Scrumbled eggs with parcley"

Nippy Nippy

So i went to the Asian bakery & brought a vanilla milkshake....it was made by "nipppys" funny that.

Also was at football training and a few of my team-mates were saying "Lee" "Lee" "Lee" "Lee", to which Morgan said, "jesus, its like a Chinese phone book"

More casual racism to come.

Are you going round the twist?

About time i said something on here i think, iv been really busy setting up the start of the NRL (rugby league) season. So for the last 3 weeks its been pretty hectic.
Calming down a bit now, so i can enjoy the awesome weather.
My cousin Aaron lands next Thursday for a week so that'll be good, and Mr Dunn arrives in 31 days...not that im counting MUCH!

Iv been with Lia for 6 months now (is that the sound of a thousand broken hearts?) and she's moving in, if im not at her place then she's at mine so it makes sense. The fact it brings the rent down by a 3rd has nothing to do with it officer...may take a little getting used to but looking forward to it very much so.

The football season starts for our team on Saturday! its been 6 months in waiting and finally its here, something to keep me out of the pub on Saturdays YESSSS!

I went to Melbourne the other week, and see what people mean when they say "oooh you'll like Melbourne" why did literally everyone i spoke to about it say that...now when people say there going there i say "i went there a few weeks ago, you'll like it in Melbourne". I think they have some mind control device down there?
Its a bit more European, seems like older buildings and smaller streets, with lots of coffee shops and wicked shops. Chapel St is similar to Cowley Rd, it did seem to be, Second hand clothes shop, Comic book shop, Cafe, womens clothes shop. This theme continued all the way done the street.

Settling well over here now, i had a chest scan for my visa last week. Hopefully that comes back showing that i don't have TB and i have all more organs (yes even a heart you sceptic bunch) then fingers crossed i will have a 457 visa allowing me to stay for 4 MORE YEARS, 4 MORE YEARS. Sorry i thought i was at a election party.

Looking at booking a holiday back to Blighty around Sept. I'll be in touch.

Final thought: why do all employees of optician's wear glasses?

Shmucks!! Bloody Scmucks!

Tea Bag Trays. Why do people have a porcelain tray in there kitchen to put used tea bags on? Walk over to the bin you lazy idiot, why would you even buy one or these…or if you were given one as a present surely you would say. “thanks iv been waiting for a piece of junk like this to show of my used tea bags in the kitchen for years”. This is almost as bad as the RETARDS who put tea bags in the sink, who does that?? I mean really.

Leaving the insides of toilet rolls in the toilet? They will need to go in the bin eventually and if you are the person who has put a new toilet roll in the loo, then why not take the bit of cardboard out of the toilet to the BIN!

** Unless you have children and are currently building Tracey Island as per Blue Peter instructions**

Returning videos (dvd’s for you kids). Please tell me it is only people in Australia with this problem about taking dvd’s back the next day? The amount of people who have told me “oh I don’t use them anymore, I ran up too many fines”
If you went to the dvd place the day before to pick up the dvd how hard is it to go there the next day and take it back, nobody seems to feel quite as passionately about this as me. ITS ASTOUNDING!

Finally I went to McDonalds, why do they call it Macca’s over here? Its not MACdonalds its Mcdonalds. And a spotty young snot squeals “sorry everyone we are out of buns, we only have Big Mac’s & Nuggets”.
1. Surely you would be out of burgers and buns, why would you not order enough buns for the burgers.
2. Im pretty sure a Big Mac comes in a bun
3. Im hungover, I don’t need this
4. With my McDonalds VIP card I want my free desert with each meal im about to order. She actually said “the till won’t let me do it” (Australian for computer says no).
5. As I left she told me. “did you know that in Brisbane, they do not use any mustard on their burgers” I would have been annoyed about this. But im a sucker for useless information like that.
6. As I walked away I realized, she could of rang the meals through separately…mean I could of got deserts with each meal. THE BITCH (but she had told me about the burgers in Brisbane so it wasn’t all bad)

My Movie (best cast ever)

I have the cast finalized for my movie, now i just need to start the script.
The cast is as follows:

Sylvester Stallone
Steven Segal
Jean Claude Van Damme
Patrick Swayze
Luis Guzman
Brian Dennehey
Christopher Lambert
kris kristofferson
Woody Harrelson
John C. Reilly
Will Ferrell

Im thinking they are a group of older men from say....a lawn bowls club, who in their spare time save a city from the "yoof of today". Combating such heinous crimes as.
* Gangs of hoodies loitering
* Happy Slapping
* Correcting their bad language (not swearing...things like "is it" & girls who say "shut up?" as a rhetorical question
* Sorting people OUT who wear white socks with trousers & shoes
* "Retiring" people who wear socks and sandals

This is still a work in progress but i bet you all can't wait to see this movie!

No need to say theses things but what the hey

1. Time liars.... people who are more than 20 minutes away & when you ring them and say.
"i'll be 5 mins". You know your not going to be 5 minutes so don't lie!

2. Crap football commentators! there seems to be more & more useless imbeciles at the moment. Always harping on about "that magical night in Barcelona" or "that amazing night in Istanbul". Yesterday i heard "that was in-between a yellow & red card wasn't it, like a orange card"....A ORANGE CARD? You prat! Give us some opinion or insight, not ridiculous comments or dumbing the game down to who's passing to whom.

3. Sayers's... No not the family of Leo Sayer, people who are "going to do - affix subject here -" people who incessantly say they are going to change something, travel somewhere, do something with someone even buy "that dvd"...if you have no intention of "going to do IT" please don't say you are.

4. Celebrity Magazine's... ban them, the amount of money made from these things is sickening. Stop buying them i.e. Fat porcupine haired cutted Australians & scum of the earth photographers don't make any money! They are full of steaming rat sh!t.

5. Mosquito's that bite my ankles, why are my ankles so delicious to these insects?

6. Parents who's children run riot, give them a smacked botty...yeah go on "give them something to cry about". No need to go Hubert Kilcoyne on their ass (old headmaster, who's catchphrase of - Stand Still While Im Shaking You Boy - ) only became funny when we'd left St Joesph's.

7. Speedo's!...Only for swimming competitivley PLEASE. Also what is the age you stop wearing Speedo's then start again? Im saying...stop at 11 start again at 57, i think thats acceptable??

I don't have much to complain about, but im trying OK!!!